I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
