my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
