New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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