"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
