so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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