Got a toothbrush?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Your cock deserves a montage
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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