Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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