How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
