There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
