I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
