yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
