I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just blew my weed a kiss
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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