in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
they need to just BURY HIM!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
