Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
