Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
