oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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