Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
