Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
