Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
