Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
