my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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