I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
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I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize