that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
