No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
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