i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
