oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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