i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
