Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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