sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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