So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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