So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
