his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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