You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
