what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
