I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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