I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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