Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
