All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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