I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
