I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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