I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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