highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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