He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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