hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
