I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
