just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
