I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
