Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize