Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
