marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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