from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
