Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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