Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
