i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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