Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
